Last Sunday was my birthday. I guess I am now in the category of ‘mid-twenties’ – or simply ‘old enough to know better’.
Today’s task is to get my car through its MOT. Today’s mission is to pay for it. I am so happy with what I do as a career but I am also sick of worrying about money! Gig-wise, it’s either feast or famine. I’m either driving myself crazy trying to fit everything in or freaking out as I see the empty pages of my diary looming – right before rent goes out.
It all seems to be averaging out though, I guess the feasts get me through the other times. But I feel like my bank balance is just ambling along – a certain amount into my overdraft. I have to ask myself, will I ever make a profit? Will I ever get out of debt? Should I have gone to Dubai when I had the chance? Will I ever have a savings account with more than 75p? Yes that’s the actual amount I have saved for you know, emergencies such as car repairs and MOTs.
So what do I do? Keep plodding along with the belief that somehow it’ll all turn out fine? Or do I get a real job with a real salary and the possibility of disposable income?
There are pros and cons to each possibility of course. I have so much freedom now to organise myself and my schedule that it wouldn’t be the same without that flexibility. I am meeting new people all the time and every week is different. Plus, if work isn’t coming all that easily or frequently, there is always more I can do to put myself out there.
Freelancing is the kind of job where, at the end of the day you can never say ‘I’m finished!’ … more often than not what I’m thinking at the end of the day is ‘Have I done enough? What more should I have done? What do I need to do tomorrow?’ There isn’t the work/home distinction that comes with a more corporate job.
But, all in all, when I’m actually doing the gigs – orchestras and shows in particular, that’s when I think yes, this is my place, this is what I’m meant to do. I guess it’s just the in between times when worries set in – and the only way to diminish them is to do more in terms of self-publicity and pushing for those all important gigs.